Psalm 139

You have searched me, LORD,  and you know me.  You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you, LORD, know it completely. You hem me in behind and before, and you lay your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain. Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me,  your right hand will hold me fast. If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,” even the darkness will not be dark to you;  the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you. For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. How precious to me are your thoughts,^[a] God! How vast is the sum of them! Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand— when I awake, I am still with you.If only you, God, would slay the wicked!  Away from me, you who are bloodthirsty! 
They speak of you with evil intent; your adversaries misuse your name.  Do I not hate those who hate you, LORD, and abhor those who are in rebellion against you?  I have nothing but hatred for them; I count them my enemies. Search me, God, and know my heart;  test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.

A Mothers Guilt

I think mothers naturally inherit guilt the day she gives birth. It is like a right of passage into motherhood. Kind of like, here is your new bundle of joy and your new endless amount of guilt...Enjoy! Lately, guilt is something I have been struggling with. It seems like no matter what I do, I feel guilty about it.

Since Preston was born, I have been a stay at home mom. Recently,  when I did go back to work, he stayed with his dad for the few hours I was gone. I have woken up with him and put him to bed every night. He didn't even stay the night away from his dad or I until he was almost well over 3.5. Even when I was working, I felt guilty for not being there, keep in mind I would be with him all day long and work just 3 hours at a time. I felt guilty when I had his dad got in the pool with him during swimming lessons while I watched and took pictures. I even felt guilty for leaving him in the child care room at the gym so I could work out.

I don't know where this over whelming guilty feeling comes from. He is the only area in my life where I feel so confident yet so uncertain all at the same time. I could, in one second tell you how to spend a thousand dollars without blinking, but ask me one question about a decision in my sons life and I melt.

This weeks guilty theme is should I put him in school or not. I have been so dead set on homeschooling him but he has become so overwhelmingly attached that I am once again guessing if I made the right decision. Today I had to pick him up from his once a week home school preschool class because he just wanted to be with his mom.

I love my son more than anything but I want him to learn how to have an identity outside of me. I want him to love being around other kids. I want him to be OK  without me.

I have to realize he will never forget who I am and that I love him. I have to learn how to let go. He is going to be four soon. He is still very young, but at an age where he is forming his own identity and I don't want to mislead him because of my own selfish needs or wants.

Yikes! If parenting were easy....I would probably make it difficult. I am raising a man, and men are adventurous. You never see a man go hunting holding his moms hand. It is time for me to release him into the world a little at a time and put my faith in to a higher gear and trust that God will lead him and I in the direction we need to go. Train up a child the way he should go and he will never stray.