Psalm 139

You have searched me, LORD,  and you know me.  You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you, LORD, know it completely. You hem me in behind and before, and you lay your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain. Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me,  your right hand will hold me fast. If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,” even the darkness will not be dark to you;  the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you. For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. How precious to me are your thoughts,^[a] God! How vast is the sum of them! Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand— when I awake, I am still with you.If only you, God, would slay the wicked!  Away from me, you who are bloodthirsty! 
They speak of you with evil intent; your adversaries misuse your name.  Do I not hate those who hate you, LORD, and abhor those who are in rebellion against you?  I have nothing but hatred for them; I count them my enemies. Search me, God, and know my heart;  test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.

A Mothers Guilt

I think mothers naturally inherit guilt the day she gives birth. It is like a right of passage into motherhood. Kind of like, here is your new bundle of joy and your new endless amount of guilt...Enjoy! Lately, guilt is something I have been struggling with. It seems like no matter what I do, I feel guilty about it.

Since Preston was born, I have been a stay at home mom. Recently,  when I did go back to work, he stayed with his dad for the few hours I was gone. I have woken up with him and put him to bed every night. He didn't even stay the night away from his dad or I until he was almost well over 3.5. Even when I was working, I felt guilty for not being there, keep in mind I would be with him all day long and work just 3 hours at a time. I felt guilty when I had his dad got in the pool with him during swimming lessons while I watched and took pictures. I even felt guilty for leaving him in the child care room at the gym so I could work out.

I don't know where this over whelming guilty feeling comes from. He is the only area in my life where I feel so confident yet so uncertain all at the same time. I could, in one second tell you how to spend a thousand dollars without blinking, but ask me one question about a decision in my sons life and I melt.

This weeks guilty theme is should I put him in school or not. I have been so dead set on homeschooling him but he has become so overwhelmingly attached that I am once again guessing if I made the right decision. Today I had to pick him up from his once a week home school preschool class because he just wanted to be with his mom.

I love my son more than anything but I want him to learn how to have an identity outside of me. I want him to love being around other kids. I want him to be OK  without me.

I have to realize he will never forget who I am and that I love him. I have to learn how to let go. He is going to be four soon. He is still very young, but at an age where he is forming his own identity and I don't want to mislead him because of my own selfish needs or wants.

Yikes! If parenting were easy....I would probably make it difficult. I am raising a man, and men are adventurous. You never see a man go hunting holding his moms hand. It is time for me to release him into the world a little at a time and put my faith in to a higher gear and trust that God will lead him and I in the direction we need to go. Train up a child the way he should go and he will never stray.

Smiling

Smiling has to be one of the most contagious things. It is a non verbal way of speaking to someone. A smile could mean so many different things. I think people forget how smiling can put such a huge sparkle into someones day. Why don't we smile to people as much as we should? It takes less than 3 seconds and maybe even burns a few calories.

The next time your in public and see that mom with the tantruming toddler, the disgruntled old man, the impatient business woman, the annoyed young girl, or even the happy people waiting patiently or quietly passing you by.....just smile. You could be that one person to make their day. Encourage people with your happiness, because sometimes we all need a little encouragement. And the next time your having a bad day, continue to smile. You will feel it move you on the inside out.

Love one another, encourage one another, and just smile.

How Long?

How long are you to wait to know you have found the one? It's a question no one can seem to answer. I think guards are high for me especially because of Preston. How can I incorporate people into his life without hurting him if they leave? Every decision I make has to be made for two. It can make things so complicated. Preston is priority putting my wants on hold. Some day, things will come together.One day, Preston and I will be held by two strong arms that have enough room for the both of us. A heart big enough to love both of us.


I look at Preston every day and his smile warms my heart. He deserves a whole family and parents who will guard his ears, eyes, and heart. In the deepest part of me I wonder if this mighty man will ever be here, and if so...is he already here?

I make a conscious decision to believe. Every day I keep deciding to believe. We all pretend for a while or for a lifetime. But pretending is not living. I believe that god meant for life to take our breath away, sometimes because of the sheer joy of it all and sometimes because of severe pain. To choose living over pretending means that we will know both.

I believe that God has a plan for Preston and I. He will send us that man with two strong arms big enough to hold us both. And when he gets here I will ask what all women ask. Do you really love me? Which means....will you accept me in the process? Will you embrace what is different about me and applaud my efforts to become? Can I just be human-- strong and vibrant some days, weak and frail on others?...Will you love even when I disappoint you? Are you willing to embrace the two of us, with those strong arms, and carry us with you till the end?

There is love here to be shared, and in this case....two hearts to give love is better than one.

In This Moment

Roloff Farms

A friend of mine and I took our boys to Roloff Farms in Oregon. The owners of the farm are Matt and Amy Roloff of "Little People, Big World" on TLC. We had such a fun time! Their farm is amazing. Matt and Amy have put so much thought into every detail on their land. It truly is a dream place for kids to grow up on! How blessed they are! Here are a few shots from our trip! During this time with Preston, I heard him say for the first time...."Well you don't have to rub it in" to another kid so seriously. It was the funniest thing. He said it so nicely too. 3 year olds rock! :)